one of my goals in life is to be an actress.  so far i've done a dozen plays, a few movies (one that no one will see if i can help it!), and a radio commercial, but my most recent oscar winning performance was today.  first, i laughed it up at breakfast (around noon) with beth and will.  next, beth and i went shopping at a discount store, and ate some pizza for dinner.  then, i watched two movies with will, and then ended the night with beth and i having a lingerie party (we put lingerie on, watched wedding crashers, then beth went to sleep!).  all day i smiled and joked but what i was really thinking was, where will i live when i leave here?  i hope my mama is alright.  iv'e abandoned my mother when she needs me the most.  why hasn't she called me?  i need her.  she needs me.  i ran from these thoughts and and pushed back tears all day.  ive been running for most of my life because im scared of being scared.  it's caught up with me and honestly, i'm tired mentally and physically.  i'd like to think that i'm a rock but really i'm a stick that"s been broke in multiple places. i'm scared, confused, and vulnerable, its 4 in the morning, and i'm a crying mess on live journal.